My story is nothing special but I know that it will help someone out there to get through depression or help someone understand a little more on what its like to live with such an illness.

Monday, August 12, 2013

4yrs on

So here I am 4 years on from when I was admitted. Gee time goes fast. 

I had an intake interview with a group therapy coordinator through uni the other week, and, as all intake interviews go, we spoke about my past. 

We spoke about everything that happened as a teenager, then when I was admitted to Mirrabook. 

Her take on what the traumatic event that triggered / was at the start of all my depression (being the peanut in my lung incident) was that it wasn't too long after that (a few years) that the depressive thinking etc started.  So it doesn't have to be 'traumatic' as such but more of a negative 'memorable' event that occurs before the symptoms start.

And as I drew my timeline on the whiteboard for her I realised just how good it is to timeline things - I know it all in my head and when things happened, but seeing it in order was such an eye opener. 

I told her how every now and then I try to force myself out of my body (for those of you who have been there - been mentally ill - you will know what I mean.). I try to make myself 'grow', to float up to the ceiling but I just cannt get it to happen - although I managed to do it once about 12mths ago I think it was - but it didn't last too long and once I was back down into my body I couldn't do it again.  So when I was talking to the coordinator about it she was very impressed that I wasn't trying to avoid or ignore that sort of thing, but that I was actually trying to force it to happen.

The group therapy thing will be great, cannt wait for it to start. I should post about it when it gets started hey. And it is existentialist therapy - very interesting!!!

And I'm 4.7kg off what I weighed 4yrs ago too! How good is that!! I've been focusing so much lately on foods and exercise that I wonder if my perfectionism is going to get out of control or even if its starting to get out of control. I'm so focused on getting below 70kg, and determined to be below 65kg. The saying "exercise to be fit, not skinny' doesn't gell well in my head. Yes I want to be fit, but I want to be skinny (or skinnier), fitness is coming back as I get there :)

Anyway, I'm buggered, just finished a crazy case report.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

From the worries of May 2011

From MAY 2011 I wrote in the purpley blue colour the week before we moved to QLD. Here I am 2yrs on and lets see how things have changed.

Oh what a month or so its been!! Our house has sold and we are pretty much all packed ot move to Toowoomba QLD this week. There are so many things Im going to miss but I dont think its going to hit me until a few weeks into being up there. Apart from family and Trina (who is like my bestest friend....she is my rock!!) there are things like:
  Country music radio channel - not out here, but in the city I can until I'm 15km from home, same with abc local radio  
Nick Reinberger on abc radio - my love of Tony delroy has increased - just a shame its so late at night for the quiz  
The girls at Gloria Jeans who know what I order and tell me when Im walking in if Im not going to be able to get a chai latte. - yeah, got nothing! Although Daryl and Anna know what pizza we like when they do them Saturday nights out here :)
Robyn, the check-out chick, from coles who knows my name and my kids names. - still got nothing like that!  
Getting Maja out of the shower on Fridays after the school drop off. Oh Maja, gee I miss knocking on your door and making you get out for a cuppa!  
Walking down to Trina's in my pj's and making myself a cuppa. - nothing can replace this, my beautiful Trina!  
The girls at IMB. - I don't go to a bank anymore, unless its vital like paperwork for a mortgage  
Our next door neighbours, Jim & Yvonne. - Our neighbours are cows, literally! Driving out to Cambie along the mad-mile and checking out whats going on at the sale yards, seeing if Mr Taylors plane is in the hanger. - we have the back road to Meringandan through the farms, I suppose its kind of a mad mile  
Driving over Good Dog Creek and seeing the tree that was uprooted in the 1988/9 flood that is still growing strong! Between here and town there are quite a few creeks and bridges to cross that quite often flood over when it rains enough. Nothing better than driving over Good Dog, I remember it felt like I was home then, now I drive over Cooby creek - 10km from home and that starts to feel like home  
Driving past Jaspers paddock (the horse I use to ride as a kid. Nath bought me a professional photo of his paddock a few yrs back...!) - we have our own paddock :)

Then theres the things like finding a solicitor (found one, but its not the same - we don't them personally and in fact I've never met her, just paid her)
accountant (nope!)
vets (love Dr Larry, he understands working dogs)
pet shop (45min away!)
doctors (Umesh!!) 
and dentists (well, not yet for me, but for Amy yes)
 ...the list goes on...and a bank...ok, a building society...I dont do the big banks...they would have to pay me to walk into their buildings lol. (Found a building society, but they were rude and very horrible, so now we are using Westpac - hiding my head in shame here!!)

All the things I missed at the beginning have faded and life has completely changed for the good. But I cannt wait to go back to Nowra for a visit - one day!

Arrested Development

     If you had to explain what arrested development (AD) is, could you do it? Do you even know what it is?
If you google AD, the first thing that comes up is a link to wikipedia telling you its a tv series - seemed to be a bit of a flop of a show, but nonetheless, this is not the AD I was looking for. In fact, the entire page 1 of the google search is dedicated to the show, and most of page 2. Obviously, I needed to be more specific. 
Arrested development is a term psychologists and the like use to describe someone who has gone through some sort of trauma, drug abuse, alcohol abuse or something similar and at that point in time in their life is where their development has been arrested. It has been stopped in its tracks. Their development, their brains neurochemicals, their mind, behaviour, speech, responses, motivation and emotions have ceased to continue. 

     Your teenager starts drinking at 14, or drug use starts at 17, or becomes bullemic at 11, anorexic at 19. At that point in time, they cease to develop mentally and emotionally. When teens start using drugs or drinking alcohol during the developmental years, their social and emotional development stops. So a person who started taking drugs at age 14 stays at the social and emotional age of 14. This can manifest by continued risky behavior, poor judgment and not being able to adequately understand the consequences of actions.
You might come across someone at work, at the pub, at the shops, they may be another parent at the school your child/ren attend and you look at them and think "WTF?!". They look grown up, but mentally they have AD.

     The teenage brain  is still developing (personally from a health and psychologist perspective, I believe the brain is still developing right up to the age of 25, and I have medical information to back this up, but that is for another day), and if teens consume drugs or alcohol, they risk causing permanent intellectual and emotional damage, according to the Science and Management of Addictions Foundation. Alcohol consumed during early adolescence can disrupt endocrine development, which regulates mood and reproductive processes. 

     Teens who smoke marijuana performed worse on learning tests and their memory was affected, according to a January 2009 study published in Clinical EEG and Neuroscience. Stanton Glantz, director of the University of California at San Francisco’s Center for Tobacco Control Research and Education, told ABC News that psychoactive substances are “messing with the brain as it’s developing.” But we know this already, its not new news, its old, but one that still needs attention because there are just far too many parents out there who think its funny to offer their 13yr old daughter alcohol shots because "she needs to make her own choices in life, and if she is going to do it, I want to know".

     One out of four people who starts using drugs or alcohol as a teenager becomes addicted, according to the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse, reported ABC News. Teens don’t have positive life prospects if they become addicted. Because the brain is still developing during adolescence, it is more sensitive to substances, which increases the risk of addiction, and there we have it - arrested development.

Now, here comes the part where I start getting a little more technical. Remember, neuroscience is my love, amazingly facinating and something everyone should have some idea on how it all works. I've tried to make it interesting, less sciencey and boring, I hope you can understand it: 
 
Although most of the brain material and size is in place at the start of adolescence, several important developmental processes continue .

If all goes well, the brain will be a much more efficient organ at the end of a healthy adolescence.
 
One process is myelination.  The axons connecting brain cells across which electrical impulses travel continue to become ensheathed in a fatty substance called myelin.  This compound  insulates axons and speeds the relay of electric impulses within the brain, helping thinking, decision-making, impulse control, and emotional regulation mature.
 
Another process is synaptic refinement. At the start of adolescence, we have billions of brain cells, each with tens of thousands of connections to other brain cells.  Not all these connections are actually needed, and the unnecessary ones become  eliminated.  This elimination process is shaped by the young person’s activities and experiences, and, as with myelination, it helps the brain work more efficiently.
 
MRI studies reveal ongoing brain maturation during late childhood and early adulthood. Early MRI studies suggest regionally varying volume decreases in gray matter of the cortex and subcortical nuclei). More recent studies provide more anatomical detail, emphasize the effects of ongoing myelination and employ mapping methods for visualizing the pattern of age-related change. 
 
Exposure to alcohol and other drugs during adolescence may alter the function of frontal-striatal and limbic circuits to interact with this pattern of ongoing brain maturation during late adolescence and early adulthood.

So to avoid AD, remember this:
P = Promote activities that capitalise on the strengths of the developing brain.
A = Assist children with challenges that require planning.
R = Reinforce their seeking advice from adults; teach decision making.
E =  Encourage a lifestyle that promotes good brain development.
N = Never underestimate the effects of alcohol on the developing brain.
T = Tolerate the “oops” behaviors due to an immature brain.  

He escaped

Update (the same day, just 4hrs later): As I wrote this blog post this morning, Josh was being captured in Worrigee - not far from the prison. Good work LAC!!


Its not too often that the average person out there knows someone personally who has escaped from jail and is a fugitive on the run. But I'm that person. Joshua Leigh Duke escaped from the South Coast Correctional Facility on Saturday 8th June at around 2pm. Reports say that he has jumped over a wall, got in a car and driven off. So much for being an unescapable prison. 
When they first built the prison and the month prior to sending inmates, they opened it up to the public. Bus loads of people went through all the areas of prison, from maximum to minimum, males to female sections, seclusion, security areas - you name it, we got to see it. The majority of Nowra residents went through - publicity push or not, it was well worth the couple of hours. Seeing the walls I really wonder how it was possible for him to scale a fence and get over. Another report said that Josh was doing work in the minimum security area (why on earth he was in minimum security in the first place is beyond my comprehension and yet to be answered) and has escaped from there. He was found to be missing at 2pm and was reported  missing the the Shoalhaven LAC at 2.20pm. 
He is yet to be found.
The following information has come from various Shoalhaven newspapers:
In January he was finally arrested for holding up service stations at Albion Park, Tomerong and Batemans Bay between 2am on January 15 and 12.30am on January 16.
He faced a total of 54 charges and is considered to be highly dangerous.
Police warn he should not be approached.
With the assistance of Polair and the Dog Unit areas of Nowra were searched to no avail.
Police describe Duke as having a Caucasian appearance, 175cm tall with a medium build and a shaved head. At the time of his escape he was wearing green shorts, green T-shirt and green shoes. 
A possible sighting in Mittagong turned out to be someone else and at the time of going to press, Duke was still a wanted man.
Anyone who sees him or knows of his current whereabouts is urged to contact triple-0 immediately.


 

A part of me says he's not dangerous, but he is. A part of me feels sorry for him but he does not deserve sympathy. A part of me knows why and how he has come to this but he is an adult and MUST take full responsibility. Throw the book at him, throw the key away and keep him in seclusion for the rest of his rotten life!

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

That thing I dont want to talk about #2

Oh crikey, the anxiety that I have running through my heart right now is crazy. I'm not sure what I am going to write or how to write it. I'm not even sure if this is worth writing but I know I've got to get it out, it doesn't matter in what form but it has to be done, and I know there is that gap in my blog....something is missing.....something that doesn't cause my psychosis but certainly adds to it to a degree.

That time I spent with Josh was pretty down. P use to say to me that I had depression, that I was suicidal but I ignored him and blew some fine words back to him. I remember one day I had had a gutt-full of Josh and his control. I had wanted to get away from fixing his bloody car and go off riding for the day, but no, he even gave me jobs to do around the shed which was really pissing me off. We went back to the house for lunch (which always included hot pink quik (that nestles pink drinking powder) and bikkies), P and Josh were going to go back to the shed and I said I would be up in a few minutes. But I took off west, on foot, I had no idea where I was going - apart from Coolendel because I was walking on the track - or when I was going to stop. I walked about 5km when I heard the bike coming....remember we are out in the bush too....I wanted to hide, not let him find me, I wanted to be alone but I was hurting at the same time. I prepared myself to scream the shit out of Josh, he was being such a selfish, controlling mongral and I had had enough of it. But it got to neither option. He turned around and headed back - later he told me he didnt think I would walk that far. I remember getting pretty darn drunk that night. 

But P knew that I was pissed off at Josh and made out he was the angel of the farm and ripped the crap out of Josh....I looked to him like a bit of a saviour - finally someone understood me, I wasn't wrong - I was right to think Josh was being an ass.

P is my issue. Someone I trusted. Someone who stood up for me. Someone who pushed it too far. 

I dont think I can do this......I feel like I'm back with Ruth, my psychologist. Aaah!!! Ok....

I was strong within myself, I dont let anything destroy me, I dont let anyone know they have a hold of me, I dont let anyone know they are......I'm strong....I was strong. If something happened I would prove to them it didnt bother me, that I HAD CONTROL, that they couldn't do something that affected me and win. After Josh and I broke up I still went out to Burrier just to prove I didnt need him to be out there, that seeing him and being around him would not affect me, but then I would stop at a mutual friends house on the way home, curl up in a ball and scream how much I hated his control on me!

But then he would ring me and want to meet me in town, he would be drunk (and mostly not driving - Leith would be driving, or Butler), or I would find him drunk in town and get my friend to drive my car out to Burrier and I would drive Josh back in his car, then head home. But it would always end up with him trying to get back with me, and so many times I nearly fell for it. It was doing my head in. 

But one particular night, after a massive night on Friday with Potter and Berna and Saturday night too, Ali and I met at the pub after I had finished work on the Sunday. I lost my ability to be strong that night, I lost self respect, I lost everything. I ended up with a guy I didnt know his name, and then his friend was trying to crack onto me. At about 1am I collected my stuff, sat in the bathroom and tried to figure out an escape route, try to remember where I had left my shoes, my wallet....anything else.....they were on the lounge, but thee was someone sleeping there....but I got my stuff and went. I think I ran the first 1km. I got Berna to pick me up and take me out to work, Nath was working (yes, the man I eventually married!!) and I could have slept the night off in his car I didnt, I rang Josh's house number but he didnt answer, P did. 

Josh didnt give a hoot, he was asleep and told me to "f*** off out of here you slag". Ali had rung Butler and told him I was getting myself into a bit of a pickle and needed some help, so he rang Josh and MADE him come see me for himself, so he knew how the night was going to end, hence calling me a slag. 

I'm not going into detail, not every minute of the rest of the night. I had trusted P to keep me safe, but I wasn't safe, I tried getting out and I couldn't, my self respect was shattered, my will power was shattered, Josh even went to work leaving me there. I was gradually sobering up, knowing full well what was happening was wrong. I got out, picked my pay up from work and went home, sold my honda civic, and 4 weeks later was down in Adelaide for skating nationals. I still went out to Burrier because I wasn't letting P have control over me, I could have reported what he tried to do but I had control, he wasn't going to control me. 

Back to the latest news on him: You see, Josh back then, had little respect for anyone other than his mum.  The amount of times the local dirt bike copper would follow us all the way until the red brick house and then turn around was crazy (thats when the road turned to dirt! Go figure!!), not that we were doing anything wrong - that I knew of, apart from giving him grief because he was an ass of a cop!

Then there was the time we were fixing up the MR truck he had got, repainting it, fixing the motor up etc. I look back now and wonder if that truck was legitimate. There are things I know because I was there - the insider job on a tyre shop, knocking down the house frame because they owed money, the box trailer that had a wheel lock on it half way out there......it soon went! And what about the brand new clothes that appeared one day??

I feel like I have still left out so much info, but this is as much as I can cope with right now. The details aren't necessary anyway. It's the effect on me that is important. That particular night took my strength, took my self respect, took everything I had.

Even 2yrs ago when I went out to Yalwal for the night - by myself, I spent the next morning in the shed with P - just to prove after all this time that he didnt have control over me. Why? Why did I have to prove to myself?? Noone ever takes control of me.....NEVER!! But it had, it controlled everything I had. And even now as I feel rocked by the news of Josh it controls my emotional response......but Josh isn't the issue - remember that.

That thing I dont want to talk about

There are some things that we do in our late teens / early adult life that are just some beyond stupidity.  Sometimes, these 'things' are boyfriends (or for guys, its girlfriends). But in the moment it is fun, thrilling and goes deep into making us who we are.

 
Sometimes we even know that what we are doing isn't the smartest thing to be involved with and sometimes we go through with it anyway. Noone is immuned to stupidity and those who think they are pretty darn smart and haven't done anything stupid haven't had a good look at themselves (or have lived a very sheltered life). 

 
I wasn't immuned and I caught the stupidity disease in a big way.
This guy I went out with was part of the stupidity. I remember telling a friend, Geoff, that I didnt want to go out with him really but if it meant getting back at Trent, then so be it, so thats how it started.  Josh had that smell that I can still smell - a mix of sweat, dirt, oil, cattle - that farmer smell. It wasn't until Saturday just gone when he made the news that my smell memory was reactivated.

 

 He has made the news because he was an 'armed and dangerous fugitive' and there was a state wide search in nsw for him. The police eventually found him after several police chases, and arrested him for armed robberies, resisting arrest, stolen vehicles and the like. The newspaper article said he was aggitated when arrested and taken back to the police station - I can picture it. I can picture him swearing his head off at the police. This wasn't the Josh I knew. Was it??

 
He use to get aggitated when someone would give him grief about the way he is - didnt have a good enough job, treating me better than what he did, work harder on the farm, do this, do that "ya lazy fkn cunt". He took his aggression out in his ute while drunk, or on the bikes and we'd ride through the fire trails.  He knew Burrier better than the back of his hand. (And luckily when the police caught him he was in South Nowra. If he had made it to Burrier, they would NEVER be able to find him).  
We did the rodeo's, musters....but mostly work on the farm.  He use to tell me I couldn't fix the tractor, but P had other ideas and blow the crap out of Josh for telling me what I could and couldn't do. If I wanted to go do the fencing because it needed fixing then he wouldn't let me....I had to stay fix something else but then give the guilt trip "fine, go if you want". It's only as I'm writing this that his guilt trips actually happened. So many times I would sit up at the shed in the ute twiddling my fingers wanting to help but no, that job wasn't for me to do. And people who know me would know I would not cope in that situation. If I want to do it (especially hands on, getting dirty kind of stuff) I would do it. It would be great when I could get into it.
I really wanted to get into the heavier stuff on that farm but he kept stopping me. P would say to me "you wanna then go do it, fuck the cunt of a bastard!" (sorry about the language but it use to get used every second word so unless I use it, you will not get a full idea of the conversations that were spoken as you imagine it). P use to scream obscenities at Josh all the time (well, to anyone really. And screaming means screaming until he was blue!). I was being pulled away from Josh by the things I wanted to do, things that I saw needing to be done, but then pulled towards Josh because he was my boyfriend, I 'loved' him and wanted to spend every minute with him. He use to spend money on me like crazy - phone credit, fuel, rum, you name it.....always made sure I had phone credit so if something happened I could ring him, fuel so I could get in and out of burrier (I was always low on fuel - pretty funny considering I use to work for caltex!!). He would follow me home to make sure I got there safe, drove out to my place and follow me back to Burrier so that he was there if anything happened, I had to be safe. I stopped going to the pubs with my best friends, I drank out there instead because it was safer (according to Josh), everything I did he had to be there so that it was safer....except for this: "If you get pregnant dont come chasing me, I've got nothing to do with it"......righteo....lets make sure that doesn't happen then!! He was concerned about everything else except for that!!

 
It wasn't until a cuppa with a friend yesturday that I actually 'know' this behaviour from him to be controlling, and so was P's. They were both preying on someone who was out of control and needed that little bit of control in a situation that was inviting......
But since seeing him in newspaper articles and hearing about his latest lifestyle choice,  my issues don't lie with Josh in actual fact.  Throughout the time I was with him he was someone I hated to love.

 ......to be continued......


Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Yay, Lookout world.....I went through my journal entry from 3yrs ago....and managed to read it with no fear, no problems like I said I would last night.....gotta love moments like that. I really find it interesting....what I wrote...how I wrote it....all that.
So here it is for you to read:

4/9/09 Day 18
Im anxious already again this morning. My heart rate is 98 and Im quite shaky (although my hand writing is ok at this point). G (on of the RNs) suggested taking seroquel before I go out but I dont want to rely on it. Ill just take it when I get back.
I played the piano for a bit this morning to calm myself down but it didnt really work hey!
Im going to get them to put my ipod on charge while Im gone so i can listen to it when I get back.
Ive been sleeping ok at night. The last 2 mornings Ive woken up at 5am and eventually got back to sleep this morning. The zyprexa doesn't make me sleepy anymore at night like it use to the first time I had it. Ive been getting to sleep pretty well too. (although, this is all drug induced and no where near natural sleep). In the mornings I dont feel like crap like the seroquel made me feel. When I was taking that I wasn't getting out of bed til like 9am and now Im getting up at 7.30ish! Zyprexa is soooo much better than seroquel but seroquel is good for the nerves. I hope that when I do go home that Ill bee able to have a script for seroquel as well as zyprexa and efexor.
The world has got a little dizzy this morning just before so I did some breathing to relax and it has taken the edge off a little. Wish mum would hurry up and get here :)

....Shopping went ok with Mum. I felt pretty good when I got in the car but after all the shopping I was pretty anxious and it got worse when I got back here, so Ive had seroquel to calm me down. Mum bought me stacks of stuff. I got 3 nice tops from Rockmans, 2 dresses from Prototype, jeans from target (like I need more lol), 2 t-shirts and shoes frokm Colorado. For lunch we had a yummy spinach and ricotta sausage roll too . Oh and a handbag too from Colorado.
(I also had to go to IMB while I was there and do some transfering for the mortgage, which to Mums surprise, I was able to do - remember the access codes etc, knew what I was doing without a glitch - didnt think anything of it until I saw Mum looking at me quite suprised and when she told Sinclair about it - to which Sinclair thought that that was brilliant! A sign i was getting ready to go home - like Im going to forget numbers!! As if!! This is just one thing I DONT forget or fail at!!)
Im not as anxious as yesturday cos my handwriting isn't as bad and I had seroquel earlier into being back than I did yesturday.
Joh is coming up on Sunday and we are off to have a nice coffee - cannt wait!!
...Just had meeting with X, going to keep me on 2hrs escorted leave and she wants to see Mum on monday or tuesday arvo. She said my cholesterol was a little elevated but will check it again next week and if it has raised she will take me off zyprexa (damn!!) Hope my cholesterol is ok etc cos I dont wanna change meds hey, although zyprexa makes you crave carbs! (those little 2 pack of bikkies in the ice cream container next to the coffee machine never looked so good!)....so changing COULD be a good thing..

Monday, September 3, 2012

A quicky!

Well, today is 3rd September....wonder what my journal entry was 3yrs ago! I still cannt go back and read over it. I cannt even seperate myself from it and read it as if Im reading someone else's story. And no matter who it is, if I speak to someone of late how they are coping with depression, anxiety etc etc my heart starts racing like Im half way through a marathon, I get a lump in my throat and my head goes all foggy so I cannt think straight...well, its not as bad as it sounds, but thats what its like. And just as Ruth has taught me, its a physiological response to a memory (because mind and body are very much connected!!).....for whatever reason this happens I know that its not how I really feel, that its just like a smell triggering a memory....
Im coping pretty well on 225mg venlafaxine. I think that I really should have done a good month or more on a mood diary because I feel like I have more days of no motivation to do anything and get more headaches, but that could always be environmental events too....who knows lol.
COmputer is going flat :))

Gender Identity Disorder


Gender Identity Disorder: A Literature Review of Children and Adolescents from a
Developmental Perspective



Gender Identity Disorder (GID) is one of the most belligerent diagnoses of the DSMIV
(Shechner, 2010). For the diagnosis of GID, according to DSM-IV (American Psychiatric
Association [APA], 1994), the criteria includes: strong and persistent cross-gender
identification, preference for cross dressing and wearing typical clothing of the other sex,
strong preference for cross-sex role play, intense desire to participate in stereotypical games
of the other sex, and a strong preference for playmates of the other sex. For adolescents,
cross-sex identification is conveyed by a continual statement of the person’s aspiration to be,
live as, and be treated as the other sex. There is also persistent discomfort with one’s
assigned gender of a sense of inappropriateness in that gender role. Meyenburg (1999) added
to this definition for adolescents to include attempts to pass as the other sex or the belief that
one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other sex. Shechner (2010) confirmed the
view that many researchers in this field have – that mental health professionals working with
GID children and adolescent’s clinical experience is limited, as not many children meet the
complete diagnostic criteria. However, what is well-known is that parents are seeking
counselling about their child’s gender variant behaviour. The intention of this paper is to
briefly review literature on gender developmental theories, what constitutes a diagnosis, the
available research data, and cross-gender behaviour in children and adolescents.
Gender plays a major role in which people define themselves and experience their
social world. Research into understanding gender development have occurred through
extensive theoretical and empirical work (Shechner, 2010). Theories of gender development
have emerged over the past 50 years or so, and can be divided into four types. First, is the
psychoanalytical theory based on Freud’s early works. According to Freud, a child’s gender
development occurs during the phallic stage (ages 4 – 6 years) with fear of castration



motivating the child to identify with the same-sex parent. Secondly, gender essentialism
focuses on genetics, biological differences, hormones, and neurological factors (Liben et al.,
2002). Thirdly, cognitive theories claim that gender development is shaped by children’s
cognitive abilities (Kohlberg, 1966) as being self-driven, and not only environmental
experience, interests, knowledge, and other personal characteristics. This may also occur in
the form of direct learning (Bussey and Bandura, 1999). Fourthly, environmental theories
explain gender development according to the stimulus, the response to the stimulus, and the
resulting behaviour. Reinforcement increases the probability that the behaviour will recur,
whereas punishment decreases the probability. According to this theory, children learn
expectations about social gender by the reactions to their behaviour of parents, teachers, and
other people with whom the child associates (Mischel, 1970).
As with other DSM diagnoses and assessments, systematic clinical interviews serve
as the most comprehensive tool. Normative samples in the United States (Zucker, Cohen-
Kettenis, 2008), and Israel (Shechner, Liben, Bigler, 2007) have shown that using The
Occupational, Activity, and Trait Personal Interest and Attitude Measure Scales for children
(COAT-PM/AM) and pre-schoolers (POAT-PM/AM) can offer insight into a child ’s play
preference and toy preference when the child has been referred for concerns about their
gender development (Fridell, Anderson, Johnson, Bradley, Zucker, 1996). The assessment of
a child referred for this concern should include the child and their parents, and if considered
necessary, the child’s teacher and/or other relevant social agents involved in the child’s life
(Shachner, 2010). The involvement of parents in therapy is crucial for preventing or
alleviating problems in the child-parent relationship that has been brought on by the gender
variant behaviour. Zucker (2006) suggested that parents be trained in setting limits to the
child’s gender variant behaviour by encouraging gender-neutral activities and to find
activities that are seen as more gender appropriate, such as same-sex peer interaction. Langer



and Martin (2004) proposed that when a child is brought in for therapy by the parents who
fear their child will be homosexually-orientated, the therapy should in fact target the parents
rather than the child with the appropriate change-orientation intervention, while Zucker
recommended parents to be warned about the difference between empathetic encouragement
and harsh imposition. Bem (1993) suggested treating a child with gender variant behaviour
to help the child conform to the more stereotypical gender role behaviours in which they have
been physically assigned. Another view of dealing with treatment of children and
adolescents with GID was Steensma et al. (2010) who suggested that clinicians should focus
clearly on what happens within the ages of 10 – 13 years and to explicitly address the child’s
feelings concerning the factors that frequently come up as relevant in sessions. Parents and
caregivers ought to realise the unpredictability of their child’s psychosexual outcome, and
that they may help their child to cope with their gender variance in an empathetic way, but
without taking social steps long before puberty, which are hard to reverse. A dichotomy view
of gender was reflected in Rekers and Lovaas (1974) where parents and teachers were
encouraged to use behaviour modification techniques in an attempt to eradicate all
incongruous gender behaviours.
As GID did not become a psychiatric category until 1980 in DSM-III, as a possible
take-over of homosexuality (Bem, 1993; Bayer, 1981), suggests that the pathology
accompanying gender identity dysphoria should be the focus of clinical work rather than
treating gender role behaviour (Wilson, Griffith and Wren, 2002). Zucker (2009) reviewed
GID diagnostic criteria in children as they were formulated for DSM-III, DSM-III R, and
DSM-IV, and concluded that the persistent desire to be the other gender should, in contrast to
DSM-IV, be a necessary symptom for diagnosis. This would then result in a tightening of the
criteria and may result in a better separation of children with GID from the children who
display marked gender variance but without the desire to be of the other gender.



What is known about the prevalence of GID is hard to determine as there are no
reported epidemiological studies in children or adolescents (Shechner, 2010). However, what
is known, from samples of adults attending gender clinics for hormonal or surgical
treatments, who in turn represent only a very specific segment of the population with crossgender
identification and behaviour’s, is that GID varies by age (Zucker, 2006). Zucker and
Cohen – Kettenis (2008) point to consistent findings indicating significantly higher referral
rates for boys from age 3 to 12, than for girls. With age, however, this dramatically declines
to virtually no sex differences in referral rates for adolescents. This difference in preadolescent
boys and girls has been suggested by Zucker and Cohen – Kettenis as the ‘relative
tolerance (society has) for gender nonconformity in girls during childhood but not in
adolescence, when gender roles intensify’. Steensma et al. (2010) confirmed literature
findings on gender dysphoric children does not always result in gender dysphoria in
adolescence and adulthood, finding that both boys and girls showed that their changing
interests and friendships, and the physical changes during puberty made the gender distress
reduce and eventually disappear. However, their first experience of falling in love and
consciousness of sexual attraction were aspects that ensued in the withdrawal of their gender
dysphoria. Along with puberty, Steensma et al. suggested that adolescents regarded the
growing distance between the sexes in social settings (between the ages of 10 and 13 years)
they experienced seemed to create a desire to add gender-typical interests to their activities.
What are less clear for researchers and clinicians are the developmental trajectories of
GID as whether this leads to bi- or homosexuality. The prevalence rates vary (Steensma et al.,
2010). Green (1987) carried out a follow-up study of 66 gender dysphoric children and
reported a bi- or homosexual orientation of 75% of the boys in fantasy and 80% in behaviour.
Zucker and Bradley (1995) found lower prevalence rates with 31% (of 41 children) reporting
a bi- or homosexual orientation in fantasy and 18% (of 19 children) reported bi- or



homosexual orientation in behaviour, while 58% of the participants reported no sexual
experience at follow up. Drummond et al. (2008) studying 25 girls reported bi- or
homosexual orientation in fantasy for 32% and 24% for bi- or homosexual orientation in
behaviour.
The body of research that has been reviewed in this paper suggest that GID frequently
fades from childhood to adolescence and adulthood. Furthermore, cross-gender fantasies and
behaviours in childhood appear to be largely predictive of a homosexual orientation in
adulthood. It is hoped that during the 90 minute lesson parents and/or caregiver’s of children
with gender-variant behaviours become more aware of developmental views of GID,
treatments and how to help with a child who possibly fits the GID diagnosis criteria, and
what the future may hold for their child .



 
American Psychiatric Association (1994). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental        disorders (4th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.
Bayer, R. (1918). Homosexuality and American psychiatry.  New York: Basic Books.
Bem, S. L. (1993).  The lenses of gender: Transforming the debate on sexual inequality.     New Haven, CT: Yale University Press.
Bussey, K., & Bandura, A. (1999).  Social cognitive theory of gender development and                differentiation.  Psychological Review, 106, 676 – 713.
Drummond, K. D., Bradley, S. J., Peterson - Badali, M., & Zucker, K. J. (2008).  A follow up      of girls with gender identity disorder.  Developmental Psychology, 44, 34-45.
Freud, S. Three essays on the theory of sexuality (1905).  Standard Edition.  London:         Hogarth, 1953.
Fridell, S. R, Owen-Anderson, A., Johnson, L. L., Bradley, S. J., & Zucker, K. J. (2006).  The      playmate and play style preferences structured interview:  A comparison of children    with gender identity disorder and controls.  Archives of Sexual Behaviour, 35, 729-          737.
Green, R. (1987). The “sissy boy syndrome” and the development of homosexuality.  New           Haven. Yale University Press.
Kohlberg, L. (1966).  A cognitive-developmental analysis of children's sex- role concepts              and attitudes.  In E. E. Maccody , editor.  The development of sex differences.             Stanford, CA:             Stanford University Press.
Lander, S. J., & Marin, J. I. (2004).  How dresses can make you mentally ill:  Examining   gender identity disorder in children.  Child Adolescent Social Work Journal, 21, 5-        23.
Liben, L., Susman, E., Finkelstein, J., Chinchilli, V., Kunselman, S., Schwab, J., . . .Kulin, H.       (2002).  The effects of sex steroids on special performance:  A review and an      experimental clinical   investigation. Developmental Psychology, 38, 236-253.
Mischel, W. (1970). Sex typing and socialisation.  In: Mussen PH, editor.  Carmicharl’s    handbook of child psychology,  2. New York: Wiley, 1970: pp. 3-72.
Meyenburg, B. (1999).  Gender identity disorder in adolescence:  Outcomes of      psychotherapy.  Adolescence, 34, 134.
Shechner, T. (2010).  Gender identity disorder:  A literature review from a developmental             perspective.  Israel Journal of Psychiatry Related Sciences, 47, 2.
Shechner, T., Liben, L., & Bigler, R. (2010).  Extending sex-typing measures across           languages and cultures:  An empirical example and methodological guidelines.  In     Shechner, T. (2010).  Gender identity disorder: A literature review from a           developmental perspective.  Israel Journal of Psychiatry Related Sciences, 47, 2.
Steensma, T. D., Biemond, R., de Boer, F., & Cohen-Kettenis, P. T. (2010).  Desisting and           persisting gender dysphoria after childhood:  A qualitative follow-up study.  Clinical             Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 16 (4), 499-516.
Wilson, I., Griffin, C., & Wren (2002).  The validity of the diagnosis of gender identity    disorder (Child and adolescent criteria).  Clinical Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 7,    335.
Zucker, K. J. (2006). Gender identity disorder. In: Rutter, M., Taylor, E.A., editors. Child and     Adolescent Psychiatry, 4th ed.  Malden, Mass.:  Blackwell, 2006: pp. 737-753.
Zucker, K. J. (2009). The DSM diagnostic criteria for gender identity disorder in children.            Archives of Sexual Behaviour, 39, 477-498.
Zucker, K. J., & Cohen-Kettenis, P. T. (2005).  Gender identity disorder in children and   adolescence.  Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 2005; 1, 467-492.
Zucker, K. J., & Cohen-Kettenis, P. T. (2008).  Gender identity disorder in children and   adolescents.  In Rowland, D.L., Incronni L., editors.  Handbook of Sexual and Gender            Identity Disorders.  Hoboken, N.J.: Wiley, 2008: pp. 376-422.

 




 

Saturday, June 2, 2012

One Year On

One Year On

Anniversaries are those things we either absolutely love to celebrate or we dread them coming and do all we can to avoid anything to do with them. They can either heighten our excitement or anxiety, stimulate our desire for happiness or crush all we have for life to go on.

How is it that as we get older time seems to fly by without us realising? One year ago we moved up here to 'sunny' QLD. So much has happened since then. Nath and I have had some down and horrible moments but they are far outweighed by the good things!

Recently, Good Friday to be exact, we moved into a house we bought. Not just any old house, but an old secret maternity hospital thats about 100yrs old. Its huge! 5 bedrooms, plus a dining room, storeroom off the kitchen, massive bathroom, 2 loungerooms, a bar and the old verandah which has been enclosed. Its just what we've always wanted, plus its on 3 1/2 acres in a tiny town 40km N/W ot Toowoomba with just over 100 students at the school (yep, kids have had to change schools! Again!) and 700 people in the town. We're half an hour away from any shops which I looooooove!!

Anyway, the 'anniversary' of us moving up here has been good. Im so glad we've moved up here, not once have I questioned the reason why we did, nor have I said to myself 'grrrrr, why why why!!???!!!!"

Its also coming up to 3yrs since hospital. Blah! Lets leave that there where it belongs! I already feel tired and drained, I dont need that memory to play on me. Oh hey, I reckon I still have atleast one visual memory of it a day!!

But its also the anniversary of Snowy's death. Not so happy :( Gunna be one of those ones that will stick in my mind forever as 1st of June 2011 is also the day that 'Bung' went missing in Boronia, Victoria. Ill never forget how it worked out that Snow was found on his 30th birthday - 5th June. Suicide only passes the pain from yourself to your family and friends and everyone that knew you. It never leaves those left behind. Im kinda feeling frazzled tonight and not even sure why Im writing, maybe Ill change the subject.

I found a brown snake's skin in the garden this morning. It wasn't very big, probably 50cm but it wasn't all of it either. So that garden got a full clean out today so he would have nowhere to hide, Ive only got 2 more gardens to clean out, I bet he's in the flag pole garden cos that is full of weeds and is very overgrown! Thank goodness its winter and if I do come across him he'll be sleepy!! That garden is going to become my herb garden, Ive found rocks/pavers that look a little like sandstone so Ive scattered them through the garden. They will kind of seperate the herbies a little and give you somewhere to put ya feet instead of all over the plants.

Im going to start a new blog, my living simply blog....keeping life simple stuff :)

Friday, February 24, 2012

From 300mg to 150mg

I'm in the process of dropping my dose of antidepressant (effexor xr)! Its been 2 1/2yrs and until a couple of weeks ago I was on 300mg - the dose prescribed to me in hospital. There is never a good time to come off them, there is always something going on that could trigger a bad patch, a slump in mood, more anxiety....you know, uni has started back, we've bought a house so we have to move, the kids are having to change schools....but hey, why not?! Because I can and I want to and I will. I wanted 12mths ago but Dr M wouldn't let me - it was too early. Fair enough I thought even though I was disappointed. So now that we have moved and I have a new GP I thought I would try him out and see if he would be willing - he was!! But instead of dropping ever so slowly from 300 to 150mg by going to 225mg for a few weeks, Ive cut it in half instantly....not sure if that was a good idea but its done. Before I even went to see him about it I had started taking 300mg every 28hrs instead of 24hrs (because even after 25hrs I could feel the effects of not having those magic pills), and then increased it to 30hrs and then 36hrs for 5 days or so. I was mucking around big time knowing it would hit big time once I did the 150mg dose. The days leading up to doing 150mg I took 300mg in the morning, 150mg that night, 150mg the next mid day, 150mg the following morning, 150mg that night and then strung it out to take 150mg the following night.

I had made it.

 Those few days or so - I cant even think how many days it was - not even looking at what Ive just written - I felt like a drunk! My body was shaking (and still is, well certainly feels like it!!), my eyes were (and still are) jumpy with my vision being a little fuzzy white on the edges, the mild diarrhea/constipation started kicking in (and still is), my heart rate is a little nuts and feels like it flutters. I have a constant headache at the back of my head. Every now and then it shoots round to the front of my head and then Ive noticed my 'todds paralysis' headaches are occurring more too which makes half my body go slightly limp and weird!

And don't ask me about cooking! Cakes, biscuits, slices - they turn out crap! I swear I'm not doing anything differently!! And concentrating on conversations is so hard at times - I feel like I'm there but I'm not and I float in and out of concentration. For the first time ever I got done for speeding - a lack of concentration....or was it just good old tiredness at the end of the day with fighting kids in the car? Maybe a combination of both. Either way and letter was written and sent off....wonder if my awesome driving record will still be awesome?? ;)

So, I think its about 10 days now at being at 150mg, maybe less....maybe more. Cant remember, the last few weeks are a slight blur!

So that's all the physical symptoms of coming off an SSRI (selective seretonin reuptake inhibitor). Basically, seretonin is a neurotransmitter in the neural synapses between brain cells. Seretonin crosses the synapse but in mood disorders, anxiety disorders, sleep dep and the like the seretonin isn't taken up enough by the receiving neuron and it then goes back to the neuron it came which causes lower seretonin levels. SSRIs make sure the seretonin cant go backwards and only gets pushed forward which increases its levels. Make sense?

BUT my head is fine. My unconscious is behaving itself like it should and wouldn't expect anything else, but I'm realistic and know that a relapse is possible and that going back up to 300mg is possible also. The other night I tested myself - I was saying "I'm suicidal....(no physical shivers, urges etc)....no I'm not....." and I kept saying it for a while. I know how my unconscious works, I know how to get into it and there is nothing sinister there. I know my triggers and I know that Ive dealt with stuff that I needed to, my chance of relapse is lower than the stats say. Knowing how my brain works, how stimulus works and that my coping mechanisms are all in tact then I know I'm safe. I have a friend who Ive known only a short time and she is great.....she sees through me, shes done psych. Its all good mate!

ITS ALL GOOD!



Monday, January 23, 2012

The blog in my head

We just went camping for a couple of nights down at Murphy's Creek. It was awesome. Just us (us plus Nath's cousin, her hubby and their daughter and her partner) and the bush. For as far as the eye could see there was bush surrounding us. It wasn't green and lushious. It wasn't like fields with wild flowers everywhere. It was dirty, scrub bush, gum trees, it was sunny, then it was cloudy and almost rained, it was hot, yet sitting in front of the fire was the best place to be. Not only was there a fire but we cooked up some damper (albeit yellow, tasting like custard and a little feral - I ran out of gluten free flour so used gluten free custard powder cos it was too runny which increased the yellowness of the besan flour!) and bambi stew.


Camp Fire

I look at this particular photo and all of a sudden I feel at ease, at home, where I belong, something about that setting is in my blood, its natural, there is something about it that Im connected with. There is freedom in this photo, a sense of calmness and silence. I instantly feel at rest the moment I look into the fire, the bush. I feel like the dirt in that photo is in my veins, in my blood, making me alive the more I look at it. People who really know me will understand exactly what I mean. They know Im at home in the bush, in the dirt, with noone else around. People who know me best will know.....
I cannt remember where my love of the bush came from.

Llanthony aka The Dolls House, Cambewarra NSW


 Some of my first memories are of being in dad's 2 stroke suzuki sierra and driving past a black snake in the bush. The first time I ever laid eyes on my dream home was in early primary school - Llanthony, in Cambewarra. That feeling of being absolutely awe-struck when looking at the giant staircase is still really vivid. I dont remember a lot of being in the 'dolls house' as its known to the locals but I remember that exact feeling, that exact emotion of being in there like it was yesturday. Every now and then the beautiful house appears in my dreams, last time was only a few months ago with me huddling in the laundry outside and around the corner near the driveway with some children trying to hide from the 'baddies'. If I had $800k I would buy the dolls house! Its beauty resonates through Cambewarra despite it being tucked away. One of my best friends during high school lived across the road from the dolls house. Back then you could see it through the garden and if we weren't out riding horses (which was most of the time) we would lay there in her bedroom looking at horse magazines and staring at the dolls house. Oh she is a stunning home!! If only she could be mine!!

Llanthony
Then there is the other house in Nowra, Meroogal, built by the relatives of those who built Llanthony. Meroogal is a story in itself with women running the household for many generations. Imagine being on the balcony watching the tall ships sail up the river!! I swear I was born in the wrong century!!


Meroogal


No matter how I look at it, Im a country girl. Whether its boots, jeans, flanny, rmw hat, shorts, singlet....whatever....its my love of the dirt, the solemness, the peace, the stillness and freedom of the bush that makes me who I am. I may enjoy a skinny soy chai latte but I love my rum & coke. I may enjoy a meal at a restaurant, but I love my camp oven. I may enjoy sleeping in my bed but I love my swag. I may enjoy having a bubble bath, a facial scrub and a massage but I love sitting in my $20 camping chair in front of the fire coated in dirt cos I haven't had a wash for 2 or more days.

Rain, hail or shine, the bush is there to be enjoyed, there to be in. Its there that I feel home and thats all there is to it.

So I thought to add this about my favourite poem ever: The Man From Snowy River as it is arguably Australia’s most famous poem. Us Aussies can at least recite the first sentence if not the whole opening stanza. But this little piece of beauty is less about the poetry than it is about the way many urbanised Australians would like to see themselves: showing that grit and determination of the Man from Snowy River, with his willingness to have a go against the odds. It also captures a barracking for the underdog which is an enduring part of the Aussie make up. Even if you know it, read it again. I bet most of us have never read the entire poem despite knowing the first stanza off-by-heart, then 3 of my favourite photos. I have 1000's of favourite photos, I can never pin point just 1 or 2 or 3, not even my top 3. All I know is that these 3 are on my list!!

There was movement at the station, for the word had passed around
That the colt from old Regret had got away,
And had joined the wild bush horses - he was worth a thousand pound,
So all the cracks had gathered to the fray.
All the tried and noted riders from the stations near and far
Had mustered at the homestead overnight,
For the bushmen love hard riding where the wild bush horses are,
And the stock-horse snuffs the battle with delight.

There was Harrison, who made his pile when Pardon won the cup,
The old man with his hair as white as snow;
But few could ride beside him when his blood was fairly up-
He would go wherever horse and man could go.
And Clancy of the Overflow came down to lend a hand,
No better horseman ever held the reins;
For never horse could throw him while the saddle girths would stand,
He learnt to ride while droving on the plains.

And one was there, a stripling on a small and weedy beast,
He was something like a racehorse undersized,
With a touch of Timor pony - three parts thoroughbred at least -
And such as are by mountain horsemen prized.
He was hard and tough and wiry - just the sort that won't say die -
There was courage in his quick impatient tread;
And he bore the badge of gameness in his bright and fiery eye,
And the proud and lofty carriage of his head.

But so slight and weedy, one would doubt his power to stay,
And the old man said, "That horse will never do
For a long and tiring gallop-lad, you'd better stop away,
Those hills are far too rough for such as you."
So he waited sad and wistful - only Clancy stood his friend -
"I think we ought to let him come," he said;
"I warrant he'll be with us when he's wanted at the end,
For both his horse and he are mountain bred."

"He hails from Snowy River, up by Kosciusko's side,
Where the hills are twice as steep and twice as rough,
Where a horse's hoofs strike firelight from the flint stones every stride,
The man that holds his own is good enough.
And the Snowy River riders on the mountains make their home,
Where the river runs those giant hills between;
I have seen full many horsemen since I first commenced to roam,
But nowhere yet such horsemen have I seen."

So he went - they found the horses by the big mimosa clump -
They raced away towards the mountain's brow,
And the old man gave his orders, "Boys, go at them from the jump,
No use to try for fancy riding now.
And, Clancy, you must wheel them, try and wheel them to the right.
Ride boldly, lad, and never fear the spills,
For never yet was rider that could keep the mob in sight,
If once they gain the shelter of those hills."

So Clancy rode to wheel them - he was racing on the wing
Where the best and boldest riders take their place,
And he raced his stockhorse past them, and he made the ranges ring
With stockwhip, as he met them face to face.
Then they halted for a moment, while he swung the dreaded lash,
But they saw their well-loved mountain full in view,
And they charged beneath the stockwhip with a sharp and sudden dash,
And off into the mountain scrub they flew.

Then fast the horsemen followed, where the gorges deep and black
Resounded to the thunder of their tread,
And the stockwhips woke the echoes, and they fiercely answered back
From cliffs and crags that beetled overhead.
And upward, ever upward, the wild horses held their sway,
Were mountain ash and kurrajong grew wide;
And the old man muttered fiercely, "We may bid the mob good day,
No man can hold them down the other side."

When they reached the mountain's summit, even Clancy took a pull,
It well might make the boldest hold their breath,
The wild hop scrub grew thickly, and the hidden ground was full
Of wombat holes, and any slip was death.
But the man from Snowy River let the pony have his head,
And he swung his stockwhip round and gave a cheer,
And he raced him down the mountain like a torrent down its bed,
While the others stood and watched in very fear.

He sent the flint stones flying, but the pony kept his feet,
He cleared the fallen timbers in his stride,
And the man from Snowy River never shifted in his seat -
It was grand to see that mountain horseman ride.
Through the stringybarks and saplings, on the rough and broken ground,
Down the hillside at a racing pace he went;
And he never drew the bridle till he landed safe and sound,
At the bottom of that terrible descent.

He was right among the horses as they climbed the further hill
And the watchers on the mountain standing mute,
Saw him ply the stockwhip fiercely, he was right among them still,

As he raced across the clearing in pursuit.

Then they lost him for a moment, where two mountain gullies met
In the ranges, but a final glimpse reveals
On a dim and distant hillside the wild horses racing yet,
With the man from Snowy River at their heels.

And he ran them single-handed till their sides were white with foam.
He followed like a bloodhound in their track,
Till they halted cowed and beaten, then he turned their heads for home,
And alone and unassisted brought them back.
But his hardy mountain pony he could scarcely raise a trot,
He was blood from hip to shoulder from the spur;
But his pluck was still undaunted, and his courage fiery hot,
For never yet was mountain horse a cur.


And down by Kosciusko, where the pine-clad ridges raise
Their torn and rugged battlements on high,
Where the air is clear as crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze
At midnight in the cold and frosty sky,
And where around The Overflow the reed beds sweep and sway
To the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide,
The man from Snowy River is a household word today,
And the stockmen tell the story of his ride.



Cattle in the Snowy Country

 Riders in the Snowy Country
The iconic Craig's Hut which was made famous in The Man From Snowy River movies.