My story is nothing special but I know that it will help someone out there to get through depression or help someone understand a little more on what its like to live with such an illness.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Im drunk off 2 rums ;)

I feel tipsy off one rum!! Whats wrong with me!! Im onto my second and boy does that feel good. I don’t think my head can cope too much more drama anymore. Life is suppose to be busy with kids and all that and doing uni at the same time but my head feels like its going to explode!!

Kasey has been super sick for years, just ask Trina. She has said to me for so long that Kasey isn’t right, that something is going on with her. I saw it but thought ‘maybe tomorrow she will be slightly better’ or ‘if she isn’t better by next week Ill take her to the doctor’. Im so over trying to find out what is going on with her. An innocent heart murmur was found – no biggy, same with a bladder and kidney infection, other stuff along the way, and I vaguely remember glandular fever a long time ago explaining why she was so sick…but that was a loooong time ago. So the latest ‘glandular fever’ is really not gf but a massive flair up of what is thought to be chronic fatigue (which could also include Fibro Myalgia) and /or Juvenile Arthritis. Argh! Another lot of things to try and see if they fit her. Im so over her whinging about headaches, body aches, being tired, her sore throat, sore ankles, sore wrist….its constant. Paracetamol doesn’t help, neither does ibuprofen, the childrens version on panadeine (pain stop) kind of took the edge off this arvo, but was still whinging. Im over it!! But so is she!! The poor kid is missing so much school because of it. Too much!! She has been given work to do and Ive bought heaps of work books for her to go through …. And cos she is from nsw going to qld education system she is ahead of everyone so that isn’t an issue.

Amy has been good, apart from a serious meltdown the other day….well, it went all weekend but its ok, she is ok now and she has only 1 more sesh with her psyc. She is doing much better according to her teacher, at home she is much better too but she is still definitely on a rollercoaster….its evened out though …bonus!!

As for me…well….can you see why my head is struggling to keep up with life? I feel strong though…but cannt deal with too much more in my life. The thought of anything other than my familys wellbeing is hard to comprehend.

I went back ‘home’ in the school holidays for 10 days…that was awesome catching up with everyone, especially my family and Trina…to sit on her lounge and go off into la-la land and know that all is well is just perfect!!

And as good as it was to go back, Im happy that we have moved. Would life be any different if we hadn’t moved?? Nope!! Life is good up here…sure its got its bad parts but ‘celebrate the small stuff’ is my moto (with many others lol).

I went and saw my darling R!! She had archived me, I couldn’t believe it!! I had to have the ok from her that I was going ok, that I was doing everything as I should be…which I was, I am. Im doing more than just ‘well’. Boy was that a relief!! I know Im not feeling like I was 2yrs ago so I must be ok but I just needed her to tell me that I was ok, that I wasn’t heading in the wrong direction. She asked why I hadn’t got a new psyc – I haven’t felt like Ive needed one yet. Which I haven’t, honestly, but I thought ‘why not, Im in nowra, might as well go see her’ . And because she encouraged me to try a new doctor, I didn’t go see Mikey to renew my scripts….which I now need to do cos Im gunna run out super soon.

Oh guess what happened the other day?????

I was in the local shop and the other 2 women there – one working there, were whinging about their kids, yada yada yada, so I said ‘strike, Ive got ages to go til that happens then’ and then explained how our eldest is 8, youngest is 2. Then the one that got some fuel said ‘seriously mate, you need to get ya hubbys gun and shoot yaself cosy a gunna be better off’. And boy was she serious about it. Her kids must have been giving her hell hey!! But I instantly thought “holy ****, lucky Im not suicidal!!”. This woman was deadest serious!! If I was where I was 2yrs ago, that would have confirmed my need to top myself!! How powerful can words be huh!!

Just a simple sentence like that in a serious tone….or even joking one…can have a major impact on someone…people like that need a swift kick in the ass and a stay in a psyc ward to teach them a few things!! All I could say was ‘fark me dead woman!!’ as I walked out.

We take words for granted so much, because we don’t remember the time in our life when we didn’t have words but gee, sometimes we need to watch what we say, things like that woman said could have made a person at risk to suicide. Silly woman!!

 ps. I cannt be f'd going through looking for spelling mistakes, even though Ive had 2 rums, its 1/4 of a bottle!!